Thursday, December 10, 2015

Analyzing my sexual problems

A short while ago I began treatment for my 'sexual addiction' at a clinic which treats addictions in general. I left this therapy. I had two conversations with a young male counselor. He gave me the order to do something good for a person every day. This only made me feel more nervous. This is something that is way above my capabilities, unachievable, so it only makes me feel more insecure. Above all, he said to me that I shouldn't focus on the pornography. It doesn't have a priority. The pornography is a result of my low self-esteem, I should do something about that. And he advised me to watch porn, but this time just the lighter, less degrading stuff. That's what I did, but I also watched the relatively more degrading material anyway. I feel worse than ever before, and I haven't watched pornography more often in my life than now!!! Above all, I don't believe my sex problems have something to do with my low self-esteem. I just like kinky sex, but I feel guilty about it because I am aware of the abuses in the sex industry. But there is still a little voice within me which says it is acceptable because it is 'consensual' so it is 'acceptable', which opens the gate to fall back to my old behaviour. You know the drill. I have to fight this on my own. I have to convince myself thoroughly that pornography and prostitution is wrong. This fight will go on for a long time.

Above all, if it is true that my sexual problems are caused by a low self-image, then I have to do something about my low self-image. I have to follow a different kind of therapy. I don't think 11 short conversations won't work. That's what I said to the young man.

I have to do this on my own. So I decided to make a complete analysis of what is wrong with me. I think my problems are complicated, and there is not one single cause. I have enumerated the causes of my problems.

1. I like kinky, transgressive sex. Nothing wrong with this you might say, but what happens that after engaging in some kind of transgressive sexuality for a while, or after watching some kind of taboo-crossing porn for a period of time, it becomes normal, and so it is not transgressive anymore. So I have to find something else which is even more transgressive.

2. I don't like loving vanilla sex. I never fantasize about anything other than crossing sexual boundaries, That means the approach of 'feeding the right wolf' like Craig Perra would say, wouldn't work in my case because this kind of sexuality doesn't appeal to me at all. I never managed to find a girlfriend (or boyfriend) by they way. I never had a romantic relationship.

3. Often I follow several kink sites or porn actresses, and I am just curious for new material. And I think that even sexual arousal needn't play a role here. I am just curious. I just want to know what has changed, what kind of new kinky stuff this particular porn actress is doing, or if there is a new prostitute in the neighbourhood who offers something kinky like unprotected sex. There is just this amazing curiosity. I just have to know. One prostitute on twitter has said to me that I should castrate myself. But I fear this might not work, because I think there is a non-sexual component to it. I think I might just watch pornography out of sheer curiosity, while it doesn't even sexually arouse me. Often I notice this happens in reality. The porn I watch often doesn't arouse me, but I watch it anyway. It think castration will not even prevent me from visiting prostitutes, because there is so much more you can do with a prostitute other than penetration, such as caressing, talking and sexual intimidation. I could still harm prostitutes this way.

4. I rationally know that prostitution and pornography are very degrading and harmful. The people in the sex industry suffer from repeated and the most degrading forms of sexual harassment. Prostitutes and people who play in porn movies often do this out of sheer poverty, or because of outright coercion. Many have been sexually abused in the past, and they try to win back their sexual autonomy by working in the sex industry, actually perpetuating the past abuse. But emotionally I want to believe that pornography and prostitution are just cool, and that the people in the sex industry enjoy their work. I often fantasize about being a female prostitute or a porn actress, and having kinky sex with guys. Many of the prostitutes I visit are very friendly and seemingly open-minded about sexuality. The horrifying images of prostitutes painted by some specially selected clients on the radical feminist blog The Invisible Men is generally not what I have experienced. And it is very easy to find interviews or blog posts on the internet in which prostitutes and porn actresses describe how happy they are with their work and how respectfully they are treated by their clients. I rationally know that these women don't tell the real truth like I have explained before on my blog on my blog. Catherine MacKinnon is right when she says: "Women who are compromised, cajoled, pressured, tricked, blackmailed,or outright forced into sex (or pornography) often respond to the unspeakable humiliation, coupled with a sense of having lost some irreplaceable integrity, by claiming that sexuality as their own. Faced with no alternatives, the strategy to acquire self-respect and pride is: I chose it." But my secret believe that prostitutes and porn actresses (and actors) like their work keeps the door a little bit open to watch porn again and to visit prostitutes again.

5. Since my childhood, I have a general tendency to engage into compulsive behaviours. Compulsions seem to be a part of my character. Annoying tics have become less over the years. As a child I could slap on my own head repeatedly, push my teeth against the inside of my cheeks by moving my jaws left and right, turn my head backwards repeatedly, repeatedly scratch the area below my nose and above my upper lip (philtrum), etc... There might be a connection with my compulsive sexual behaviours. Perhaps it is some kind of stress reduction system.

6. I think there is an addictive element here. Sex addictions and behavioural addictions are considered to be non-existent by some people, notable David Ley. But I think it can exist. Having sex or fantasizing about certain sexual activities could be an immense thrill. Our brains release certain chemicals very similar to popular drugs used by people, such as cocaine. Our brains are one big illegal drug factory. They can for instance produce 'dopamine', which means dope, which means drugs. But I think this is just one part of a bigger whole. I think sex addicts like me often have other problems which reinforces the compulsive behaviour, like the ones I listed above.

So if I am right I should do 6 things:

1. Stop focusing on kinky sex.
2. Try to like loving/vanilla sex. (to feed the right wolf).
3. Become less curious about certain things.
4. Absolutely stop believing that prostitution and pornography are benign harmless activities.
5. Become less stressful.
6. Solve all the above problems.

These are very difficult problems to cope with.

UPDATE 15-12-2015: I forgot to mention that regarding prostitution, I also have a strong desire to be in contact with women. Not just having sex with them, but just talking with them. I am particularly fond of one prostitute on de Wallen in Amsterdam (Eleni) and it was a tough decision to distance myself from her. In my opinion it is unhealthy to pay 150 euro just to have a nice conversation with a person. I should be able to communicate with persons without having to pay for it.  I also have sex with her, but I don't really like it.

I also forgot to mention that there is some kind of feedback loop between forbidding myself to do something and my sexual preference for taboos. If I prohibit myself from doing something, it becomes a taboo, and therefore it becomes sexually exciting, and therefore it becomes very difficult not to do it. Combine this with my doubts about prostitution or porn being really that evil, and you have a destructive cocktail.

I had a short twitter exchange with sex addiction guru Craig Perra. I said to him that I have the feeling there is only a bad wolf within me. There just is no good wolf. I only like degrading and shameful sex, I don't like kind or loving sex. He said there is always a right wolf. I don't agree with him.

And that means only one thing. If there is no good wolf to feed, I can only prevent feeding the wrong wolf. In my case that means becoming an asexual person. I have tried this years ago, and it worked for three months after which I fell back to my old behaviour. But it was the longest and most successful stint of not watching porn and not visiting prostitutes I had.

I have given it another try. For three days I have thwarted any thought of sex. These thoughts could surface 20 times a day. It is very pleasant to just be able to push them aside. I notice I am calmer now. I could have erotic dreams, but I have decided not to worry about them. I have no control of my dreams anyway. I often dream about eating meat (dog meat, seal meat) while being a vegan, and I often wake up relieved that it was just a dream, and I am still a vegan anyway. I could still be asexual, despite the erotic dreams.

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