Sunday, August 16, 2015

My second monthly report about my struggle never to visit prostitutes and never to watch porn again

Actually I realized this is my third report, but whatever....

I did well last month. I went through a difficult period, during which I almost seemed to lose a good friend. I managed to stay afloat. I didn't have severe cravings to watch porn, and I'm not curious to watch one either. Same goes for visiting prostitutes. I must say that I think about Eleni every day, but I don't want to visit her. (Actually I do, but I don't feel the urge to take a train ride to Amsterdam. There were some ideas in my mind to visit her, pay her, and just talk with her, but I consider this to be very dangerous, because I could suddenly decide on the spot to...... you guess what I'm thinking).

I have to watch out, because right after I wrote my last monthly report I watched porn for a couple of hours, and I see a relationship between these two things. Perhaps that after a moment when I reflect upon myself I start to give up hope. But I won't give up hope this time! Every day without pornography and prostitution is a celebration.

I decided to keep on masturbating regularly, and this is what I do two times a day. I have also decided to give my sexual fantasies a free reign, as long as I don't carry them out. So, although I am against prostitution, I do visit them in my fantasies, and I do imagine I am a prostitute who has sex with her clients. And all my other fantasies evolve around pornography. So unfortunately, I don't actually do it, but my mind is full of it.

But these masturbation moments are very short, they last a few minutes, and the rest of the day I am free of cravings.

I haven't figured out how I can reprogram my sexual feelings. I feel a danger that my fantasies will guide me to visiting prostitutes and watching porn sites again. Being an asexual is not going to work, I have figured that out.


Cliente X said...

Maybe a professional, do u think u are ill?
If u keep thinking on Elani, prostitutes, porn and masturbation wile on the same time u strongly believe all that is not right, u are very well aware that soon or later u will end failing. U need to wipe out those ideas from ur mind.
What about to go to a monastery and live a peaceful life far from all temptations? Maybe u need sth to avoid the sin, work and religion look a good antidote: "ora et labora".
I don't know if u have heard about the programmes of force retirment of prostitutes. Those supported by the same organizations that were against the International Amnesty proposal of decriminalization of prostitution. Well, prostitutes are kidnapped and locked in places from where thay cant get out to "fall" again, forced to labor many hours daily and usually also having a religious brainwash. I suggest u to do the same.

Donkey said...

Cliente X, I don't agree with some abolitionists who want to lock prostitutes up and take away their cellphones, to save them against themselves.

Everything could be done in a friendly manner. I think many prostitutes will accept a big financial injection. And many would stop working in prostitution. It could take the pressure off them, and perhaps some will still take some clients, but they don't feel that they are forced to have sex with them just to be able to feed their children.

Yep, I'm having a big sexual problem. Just all my fantasies evolve around porn and prostitution. I just can't imagine any other kind of sexuality.

I don't know how to solve that problem. The fantasies are very dangerous because these fantasies could ultimately lead me to actually do it again.

Cliente X said...

So, ur sollution is to give away money?
Oh my! But money comes from somewhere, how would u finance such politic?
And why give prostitutes money and not also to other collectives in need? Bcause there are a lot of people who needs help, many are even worse than prostitutes.
In Spain, unemployment is over 20% and between younger people is nearly 50% in some areas. Would u give money to all those people????? HOW?
Of course if gov would give us all money nobody will work, but thats not possible.

Btw, what do u do to earn u living?

Donkey said...

I don't work, I receive benefits from the government.

The world produces enough food to feed every person on Earth, but still many people are malnourished. Humanity has all the means to take care of its poor people, but the solidarity isn't there.

I think people also miss the organizational skills to do it. It is a big task, but it can be done.

And, it is still wrong to use somebody's poverty to gain sexual access to this person. I think clients could better just give the money to the prostitutes, without asking sexual favors in return.

I have thought about doing this with Eleni, but I think she will reject it out of politeness. And I am afraid I can't control myself and will have sex with her.

Cliente X said...

and what did u do to live from the govt?

bcause all I have from gvt are bad things.

So, basically, u say that u live doing.... NOTHING!?

OMG, are u aware that u are pimping the working people?

why u dont look for a job?

Donkey said...

I have deep psychological problems. I have actually worked in the past. In my teens I was a paperboy. This was the most prolific period in my life. I have never earned that much money after this. I did this for several years.

I have worked as a waiter, and as a postman. I was fired within several days. I just couldn't keep up with the speed. I just couldn't develop a routine. I was slow, and I stayed slow.

I had severe depressions in my early twenties. I ended up doing nothing, wanting nothing. I was diagnosed with having Asperger Syndrome. The government immediately declared me unfit for work, and I live on the dole ever since.

I have tried to do things. I have taken part in courses for shy people with other shy people. And I have tried to follow an education. It went well for two years, and then I had another breakdown. This time my arms simply stopped. I could hardly work behind a computer anymore. I made some of the texts on this blog using speech recognition.

And this is another problem which is likely related to my mental problems; I have severe problems with my body. My body is very sensitive to physical labour. If develop feelings of pain and strain very easily. On top of that, I have a highly sensitive gut which reacts very violently to certain foods. This is likely also related to my mental problems.

So basically, I am a psychological and physical mess.

It is ironic. I attack prostitution, but I myself am terrified to work. I simple don't dare to, I'm afraid that something bad will happen. No matter what I do, it always goes wrong. Life is not kind to me.