Monday, June 08, 2015

My attempt to stop watching porn and visiting prostitutes, again

As some people who are familiar with my blog know, I have a big problem with my own sexuality. I have said in my farewell speech that I don't want to confront the outside world with my sexual problems again, and that I completely want to shut down my blog. I have made some attempts in the past to completely stop watching porn and visiting prostitutes. This was kind of embarrassing, because again and again, I did both these things anyway.

Now that I am completely converted to the ideology of abolitionism, I have regained hope. Nowadays I believe that all pornography and prostitution is a human rights violation, whether this happens with consent or not. The workers in these sectors are essentially paid to be sexually assaulted. Coercion or despair is what drives people into this horrendous world. I don't believe people who say that they have no problems with this kind of work, and that they are treated respectfully by clients and pornographers. And I don't believe in benign pornography. All paid sex is abusive, always, with no exception. All sex without mutual love and respect is abusive. In porn and prostitution there is no respect and love. Some people will call me a prude, a fundamentalist and a moral crusader when I say this. I will say to them that they have no conscience. They support rape and torture under the guise of consent. Look at prostitution defender Laura Agustín when she defends child prostitution and the respect that she has for the women when they consent to prostitution, when she admits that prostitutes say to her that they experience working in prostitution as degrading, sinful, rape, and as exploitative:

http://fleshtrade.blogspot.nl/2013/03/laura-agustin.html

So to all the people who support the rape industry, I say FUCK YOU!!! And I am proud to be a moral crusader.

So all prostitution and pornography is abuse, always, so that should make my choices easy. I should never watch porn, and visit prostitutes. The last time I visited a porn site was 25 days ago. The last time I visited a prostitute was more than 2 months ago. I decided to track my progress via twitter, and I do admit that I am struggling. My choice to break with the sex industry is not easy. I still have cravings to watch porn. I have to convince myself again and again that it is not okay to watch people being sexually tortured. That little voice within me which says that the sex industry is okay has not disappeared. I also, at the last moment, had to prevent myself from visiting a red light district again. I was already walking to the train station. I decided at the last moment to walk passed the train station, and take a long stroll to cool down.

I have noticed that not masturbating makes it easier not to watch porn. I haven't masturbated for a month. Masturbation could bring up thoughts of visiting a prostitute or a porn site, and this could stimulate me to actually do it. I notice that I regularly think about porn and prostitutes. I just have to stop this. My whole sexuality is wired to the abusive, unloving and disrespectful sexuality of pornography and prostitution. Loving and respectful sex cannot turn me on. So I decided to switch off my sexuality altogether. I have also made such an attempt in the past, but I failed after three months. But I want to do it again.

I have read that when a person doesn't do anything with sex for a while, feelings of sexuality will disappear. This is what I am aiming for. But I need a strong will. Feelings of sexuality flare up daily, and I should fend these thoughts off. I must do nothing with them, not stimulate them. But it is difficult. I hope by keeping track of my thoughts on twitter on a daily basis, that it will make my struggle easier. When I feel strong cravings, I will mention it on twitter. I also count the days on twitter. This is my twitter-account by the way:

https://twitter.com/donkey_kris2

I write in the Dutch language on my account, it is my mother language, I prefer it that way. And I decided that every month I will write something about my struggle on my blog. I want to have the feeling that people know what I am doing, and I want them to support me.

And, I am also thinking about rewriting my FAQ. In my old FAQ there are still some ideas which support the sex industry, although I do admit in it that all clients of prostitutes are evil and such. There are some tips to avoid forced prostitutes in it, but now that I definitely don't believe in voluntary prostitution anymore, I want to keep these parts out in a later version.

Within one month I hope to see you back, and I hope that I won't admit that I have strayed from the path again. This could be very dangerous, because often I lose all hope when this happens, and then I enter into a frenzy of visiting porn sites and prostitutes.

So, please thumb me. And see you in a month.

Greetings to cliente X, and to Eleni if she would ever visit my blog, I love you Eleni!

2 comments:

Cliente X said...

All right. So, I suppose by the things u confess that u never treated a prostitute with respect and love... did u?

Donkey said...

Yes, that's what it means. I never respected the prostitutes I visited.

I noticed when I wrote this piece that there is a contradiction in my arguments, because I declare my love to Eleni, while I said earlier that there is no love and respect in prostitution. I love Eleni, I adore her, and if I truly love and respect her I won't visit her again. And that is what I will do.

When you visit a prostitute you choose from a meat carousel. She has sex with you regardless how she feels about you. I have met prostitutes who clearly abhorred having sex with me. And I still had sex with them anyway. That is not respect.

I said to Eleni that I preferred to visite her because she is neutral about her work, while other prostitutes clearly feel bad about her. When I said this to her she looked sternly, and she almost came with an apology. She said that she is nice to clients because then they come back. It is almost as if she admitted that she didn't feel so neutral about her work.

It is also what Joep de Groot says, a former policeman on de Wallen. He says he only met a couple of women who really liked their work. He said most prostitutes hate men.

How can a person truly respect a person and have sex with this person, when he knows that he is hated by this person. It is abuse. ALWAYS!!!!