Wednesday, June 05, 2013

I am sick

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I thought I had it all under control. For over six months I haven't visited a prostitute. Perhaps it's the weather or something, but last Monday I visited a prostitute again. And obviously it was on de Wallen, the worse place you can go to regarding forced prostitution and exploitation.

I met a very friendly Slovakian prostitute there, whom I have visited before. This was on the Bethlemsteeg. She calls herself Angela, and she is around 27 years old. She allowed me to kiss her butt, which I liked very much. Obviously I went through one of my premature ejaculations, which is a problem I am also struggling with.

Now that I was there anyway, I decided to bring up the subject of forced prostitution. I told her that for years I didn’t dare to visit prostitutes because of all the horror stories of trafficking in women. Her facial expression looked very gloomy when I said this. I told her that for some reason I wasn’t that afraid anymore, and that you don’t hear so many bad stories anymore about de Wallen. She seemed to evade the subject. She said lots of things have changed there, windows have closed etcetera. But she says, some others windows should already have been closed too, but they are still open, and nobody talks about it.

I said to her what the prostitute on de Wallen (probably in the Trompettersteeg) said to me 9 years ago, that she herself didn’t have a pimp, but many other girls did have a pimp. Angela told me that she herself work completely for herself, and, that the other girls she knew there also worked independently. She made a sweep with her arm to indicate all the girls around her (many Eastern European prostitutes in their early twenties from Bulgaria, Romania, Albania etc...). She said everything was expensive and that she had only 5 or 6 clients a day. I think she wanted to indicate that there was really nothing to pluck from her, not interesting for pimps.

Well, I hope she’s right about all the girls working independently, but I know all too well how forced prostitutes can hide their situation from the outside world, and even present themselves as happy independent prostitutes.

I don’t understand myself. Perhaps I should turn to the theories of David Ley who says that sex addiction doesn’t exist, and all the problems lie with the so-called ‘sex-addicts’. (But there are also people who say that psychological illnesses don’t exist in the first place and that defining psychological illnesses is totally subjective.) Here’s an article written by David Ley (Porn is not the problem—you are, May 20, 2013, Psychology Today):

David Ley says it is because some men have grown up with very conservative ideas about sexuality, and on top of that also have a high libido, and that’s why they compulsively seek out sexual thrills which are contrary to their beliefs, and that’s why they call themselves sex addicts…. or something. Well, I think in my case it’s just that I don’t know what I want or what I should believe, and that I am genetically programmed to search for boundaries to cross (it runs in the family). My theory is actually that sexuality is all about transgressing boundaries regarding the sensitive parts of our body (the anus, the vagina, the penis, the nipples, the mouth, etc…). Without taboos sexuality isn’t exciting anymore.

To make things worse, I nowadays have a very strong craving for sex without condom. The thought of it excites me very much, but it is soooo dangerous. I think because it is transgressive, just like visiting the Wallen, the place NOT to be if you want to avoid forced and exploited prostitutes. The awful thing is that there are quite a lot of prostitutes who offer intercourse without condom, and many more who offer oral sex without condom. I find it very exciting to read their advertisements and reviews (that is of prostitutes who offer intercourse without condom). At one point I even made an appointment with a prostitute who offered everything without condom. I started to feel very sick and cancelled the appointment shortly after this. Later I discovered this young lady is addicted to drugs and under the spell of a man. She receives clients in a dirty illegal brothel where also some other girls receive their clients. They are guarded by a man who sits in another room.

At one point I stood before the window brothel of a prostitute (in the Doubletstraat) who is also known to offer everything without condom. I already asked her name, but I didn’t go inside. I wasn’t really attracted to her.

I believe I have a big problem with making choices. Perhaps there is an empty cavity within me which I want to fill. I don’t fully understand myself. I have to find out. I couldn’t be because I don’t have a girlfriend. I think if I would have one that I would still visit prostitutes anyway. I like to break boundaries, but I ask myself, why?? Is it natural, or am I just mad?? What is being mad actually?

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