Thursday, March 01, 2012

Forgive me


After almost 5 weeks of being asexual, I finally broke. I visited a porn site. It was the website of Verona van de Leur. It wasn't really hard-core, only the woman in question posing nude. I was afraid that this would happen. But I mustn't give up. There was a big urge, a big curiosity to look what has changed on her website since the last time I visited the particular website. That curiosity grew and grew. I could suppress it for a while, but I finally gave in.

I now know that I really am not an asexual. I suppress my sexuality, but it is still there. I dream about it. Last night I even dreamt that I visited the red light districts of Amsterdam. I also dreamt a couple of days ago, that two girls stripped naked for me, and they allowed me to push my finger into their anuses. I also dreamt that I was naked in a room where other people that I knew were also naked. I saw that a beautiful girl I know in real life, took off her underwear, so I could look at her beautiful naked ass. She was talking with other people, standing around a high table. They were all naked. They didn't seem to be bothered about being naked, focusing instead on their conversation, smiling and laughing. A woman that I didn't know and who was also naked, embraced me. Her head rested on my shoulder. I could feel her warm soft body against mine. I felt lucky that she hid my genitals from public view. I felt ashamed.

The urge to visit a prostitute is clearly still there. I'm still making plans in my head to visit a prostitute, which day, which time, which train, which city. Because I haven't masturbated for almost 5 weeks, I know that I will have absolutely no problems with being sexually excited while visiting a prostitute. I know that the longer I am not sexually active, the easier it becomes to get sexually aroused. This is dangerous.

I know that I have a clear goal. My goal is not to think about, see, or participate in sexuality. All sexuality is oppression, an abomination, a perversion. There are no excuses. I have watched pornography. I lost. But that isn't an excuse to keep on watching, although I am an abuser anyway. I must persevere, not give up. There is hope. I hope that Sheila Jeffreys is right when she says that there is nothing natural about sexuality, that sexuality is learned behaviour within a patriarchal society where people, especially women, are oppressed. If that is true then I can unlearn, deprogram myself. There is nothing natural about debasing a person, objectifying a person, humiliating a person, desecrating a person, pushing my boundaries at the cost of others and myself. I must accept that sometimes I will fail. But I mustn't use failure as an excuse to keep on failing.

I hope one day I will have completely deprogrammed myself of my sexuality, and that I will fully respect people, especially women. Since a couple of days, I'm reading the works of Andrea Dworkin. I have already read a few chapters of her book 'Intercourse'. She made a big impression upon me. I think I will write something on my blog about what she says. I am learning a lot. She is really opening my eyes even further. She sees things that others refuse or are unwilling to see.


Cliente X said...

Are u talking seriously? It seems not.

Anyway, if u really think that maybe u have finally reached ur goal. Now that u are fighting against ur nature u are living in a continuous opression, the way of life abolitionists as Jeffreys like. Congratulations. Are u happy, masochist?

Donkey said...

It's going quite well. I don't have an urge to masturbate, and I'm feeling quite comfortable about it. Watching these clips of Verona van de Leur wasn't so exciting after all. Actually, I did go to the red light districts of Amsterdam yesterday, but I didn't feel anything, so perhaps my goal of becoming an asexual is actually working. And I knew that if I would go inside a room of a prostitute I would become very angry. So I didn't go inside.

I think that something else is missing in my life, something that I want to fill up with sexuality. I miss some excitement, I live a very boring life. I must find a distraction of some kind. But it must be a distraction that doesn't cause stress, or else I will uncharge with prostitutes.