Wednesday, February 08, 2012

I am becoming a convinced asexual

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Since about a week and a half I haven't masturbated. And I must say, I feel quite relaxed about it. I haven't become hypersexual after such a long time without masturbation. I hope I will become totally asexual. I want to be a convinced asexual. I want to have nothing to do with sex anymore! It makes me sick! That awful pornography! That awful prostitution! Watching all these nude pics and videos makes me ill. Masturbating always triggers me to find more stimuli. For example, paying webcam girls to show their naked asses, or visiting prostitutes to fuck them doggystyle. It makes me sick! It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel numb. And even the feeling of guilt is numbed after a while.

I still have to clean up my hard drive, getting rid of all the pornography. And I should cancel my memberships of all those stupid webcam sites. On the other hand, I do feel a little bit of pain, to get rid of all these porn videos I have collected, and to get rid all the video archives on the webcam site. I feel a little bit of protest inside me. Perhaps I just leave it that way, and don't think about it.

Another problem is, what if I do actually start to masturbate again? Must I give up then? I have once promised myself never to watch pornography again. I succeeded for three months. Then I cracked. It became a masturbation fantasy to watch pornography. I think there I made the mistake. I should also have stopped masturbating. The pressure became too high. I should keep the pressure low. And I think it is working now. I think that if I do masturbate once after all, I mustn't give up hope, acknowledge my mistake, and start all over again. At least I didn't hurt someone. I hurt myself, but not somebody else. But masturbation triggers evil thoughts. I think it is masturbation that starts all my fantasies. An orgasm is like cocaine. You need more and more stimulation to keep the same rush. First the fantasies are benign. But they become more and more transgressing, even aggressive. Only visiting webcam girls and prostitutes could give me the same adrenaline rush.

I really have abused persons. This must stop. I have to take drastic measures. The money I put into the sex industry triggers evil people to recruit even more poor women to work in this awful business, this very evil, degrading, inhumane business. But I knew that all along. And this makes it all the worse.

I should have known better. Visiting a prostitute is really really evil. All sex is evil by the way, also with the ones you are supposed to be married with, or have a romantic relationship with. But visiting a prostitute is a thousand times more evil. There is no chance that your lover is coerced by a third person to have sex with you. For a prostitute this is different, there is a fair chance that she is coerced. And many prostitute absolutely hate their work (I know that from experience!), even if they are not forced by a third person. They have to go through the repeated sexual harassment every day. I knew that for a long time. But I still visited prostitutes. I am so evil! I must absolutely stop doing this. I have to take very drastic measures. No more masturbation! No more pornography! I am a sex addict. Like alcohol addicts are advised never to drink alcohol anymore for the rest of their lives, I should keep away from sex for the rest of my life. This is the way for a sex addict.

And there is another problem. I dream about having sex. I even had a nightmare that I masturbated. When I woke up I realised to my relief that it was just a dream. I also dreamt that I spent the night on a bunk bed in a room filled with bunk beds. A girl slept in the bed below me (I was in the upper bed), and she woke up. She stood next to her bed. She was in her underwear. She told me that it was impolite of me to look at her. She looked really sexy by the way. I wonder where my dreams are going. My subconscience is fighting back. This is like cold turkey. At least I hope my sexual feelings will be limited to my dreams, and I hope they will slowly disappear.

I will report on my blog how I'm doing without masturbation. If I will break my promise I will confess immediately. I need a lot of social control, I hope you people who will read this will help me giving me that social control. I will give regular updates about my progress.

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