Friday, June 03, 2011

Struggling

Main

Okay, right now I have the strong urge to go that stupidious Red Light District again in Amsterdam. I could constrain myself. But this is totally silly.

What do I actually like about visiting prostitutes? It is not the sex. In my opinion sex is boring. What I like is the process of choosing and the attention I get from girls while doing that. I walk passed the windows and think: hey, I could do that one. She smiles and tries to lure me in. All those women who want to have sex me! This is paradise! And then I think: no, I don't choose her. I try to find something better. And then I see another girl that I also reject. And then I start fantasizing about a girl I rejected earlier on. The excitement is building up. Is she still there? I walk passed her window again. No. This goes on and on and on, until I make the decision to approach a girl and step in. And then it's over. Often I struggle to get sexually excited and have an orgasm. I don't like sex. I don't like visiting prostitutes, I like choosing, I like the excitement of choosing, the attention. And I go home with a very bad feeling.

The window prostitutes in Amsterdam are struggling, they get only a few clients nowadays. Some prostitutes work whole day in bed but sleep on the streets at night, according to Frits Rouvoet, a Christian social worker. He hands out food-parcels to prostitutes because they can't get enough to eat. This is also true for prostitutes who don't have to hand over money to pimps.

This is a very strange situation. Many prostitutes don't earn much money at all. They are effectively beggars. How should this be solved? Should men visit prostitutes more often to help them this way? Are clients development agents? On the other hand, using these women sexually would be equal to abusing my power to force a person in need into having sex with me.

I'm not a rapist. I won't be ever again. I will keep my mind under control.

Poverty is a big problem. A big problem to solve. But not this way.

See the next article for the source about the starving sex workers:
Hoertjes hebben honger (spitsnieuws, 3 June 2011)

7 comments:

Hannes said...

Just want to say that I really like your blog, especially when you share your personal experiences, struggles and opinions like in this post.

It's so hard to find people with real experience who are trying hard to actually find the truth, rather than just support a narrow one-sided view of the topic. When it comes to prostitution, too many people just look at it from either extreme, either supporting it in every form, or being completely anti. Too few take the time to actually understand the real mechanisms behind prostitution. That’s why I find your research and discussions so refreshing.

I found your blog after I went to Amsterdam last year and saw the Red Light District for the first time. I was shocked by the number of very young women there, and also by the openness towards prostitutions, not only in Amsterdam but in nearby countries such as Germany as well.

I'm from Sweden where buying sex is illegal. Prostitution exists, but it's not socially accepted and is well-hidden. We have a few strip clubs/sex shops, but they're also somewhat taboo, and mostly concentrated to specific side-streets. From what I understand, we’re an exception, as most other countries have legalised prostitution.

I’ve never been with a prostitute, but of course the thought crossed my mind when I was in Amsterdam. Still, after reading your articles, I don’t think I ever could, because I wouldn’t know if she has been forced into it. I’m also sure that the experience won’t be as nice as my fantasies. Prostitution seems to be a lot more about fantasies than the actual sex.

I’m not surprised that you find sex boring, because sex without passion is boring, and I’m pretty sure that sex with a prostitute is not about passion. I’m 27, I’ve only been with two girls, and one is my girlfriend right now. I’m starting to lose the passion in my relationship, and the sex is getting dull. It’s just not that exciting anymore. I’m often more thrilled by simply flirting with other girls, just talking to them, looking them into the eyes or giving them a hug. I love when I get a girl’s attention. The thrill you describe of getting the attention from girls in the windows sounds very similar, and I had the same experience when visiting Amsterdam. It’s easy to “fall in love” with a pair of young beutiful eyes that look like they want you.

I’ve also realised that I don’t like the thought of cheating. A strong reason is because I know I wouldn’t enjoy the actual act of cheating, because I would constantly be distracted by guilty thoughts. I think I would feel the same if I had sex with a prostitute, even if I was single, because there’s a chance that she’s actually suffering from what I’m doing. I don’t want sex to be connected to guilt or falseness, I want to be able to fully enjoy it.

Sex is about mutual enjoyment, and I enjoy sex the most when I manage to bring pleasure to my partner. Sex is created together with another person, and the quality of the sex depends on the other person. You won’t have a nice conversation with someone who doesn’t like talking to you, and you won’t have good sex unless your partner is enjoying herself.

Continued in next post....

Hannes said...

...continued from previous post

I watch a lot of porn on the Internet, and I’m trying to understand if I like it or not. I’ve come across some terrible video clips, a lot of abuse and even an actual rape, which made me very sick. It’s hard to avoid those clips because the Internet is a big mix of everything. Still, I keep going back to watch more ordinary clips.

It’s easy to get a hang-up, and start looking for a thrill by looking into more extreme categories. But I’ve been there and realised that it doesn’t lead anywhere. It doesn’t give you more satisfaction. You can get excited by anything if you try hard enough, but all it does is help you develop a skewed sexuality, like pedophelia. That’s not where I want to end up.

Lately, I’ve come to realise that the most exciting part of porn is not the actual sex. Rather, it’s about finding the most exciting clips with the best-looking girls. A search. Once I find a really exciting clip, I download it, look at it once or twice, and then start looking for another one. It’s like a search for passion. When you find passion, you want it to evolve into something, or you leave it and continue searching. Contrary to real life, video clips never evolve after you’ve seen it once, so you get bored pretty quickly.

I think this relates to the enjoyment of flirting, of looking for potential partners, of imagination and building up expectations and excitement, and I think it plays a huge role in male sexuality. Often more so than the actual sex. Sex can be amazing, but only if it comes as a result of a built-up mutual passion. I also think this is why many relationships die, because they stop evolving, and the partners lose interest.

About the situation for window prostitutes in Amsterdam, I fully support your view. There are better ways to fight poverty than to support prostitution. I don’t see poverty as a valid argument in favor of prostitution. The strongest argument I’ve come across is free choice, that women should be able to choose by themselves what they want to work with. However, prostitution is a profession where you can strongly question the degree of free choice, considering its widespread use of underaged workers, forced labour, false hopes, drugs, addiction and trafficking.

Yet, as always, it’s never easy to say what the best political solution is. On one side, we want to protect the right to choose for women who are actually there by their own free will. But we also want to prevent that women and children fall victim to trafficking and abuse as much as we possibly can.

Going back to more personal matters, if you’re looking for other ways to meet girls, my best advice is to start new hobbies that are likely to have a lot of girls, such as dancing (especially partner dances), yoga, singing, something more intellectual or other kinds of activities. It’s both fun and the best way to meet women that I know of, especially as it doesn’t depend on alcohol.

About your research, have you thought about starting to interview prostitutes? I’ve been thinking about this myself, to ask a prostitute if I could actually pay her money just to talk to her and ask some questions. However, I guess it might be difficult to interview foreign girls who don’t know English, and obviously many don’t want to be interviewed as it’s a personal subject and they’re afraid some questions might make them feel bad. But maybe its possible to approach them in a way that assures them that its strictly out of personal curiousity, and that they will remain anonymous? I don’t know, but it would be very interesting.

Donkey said...

Good to hear from a like-minded person. Actually I have spoken with a prostitute and her husband at their home. He also ran an escort agency. I discussed with them about how to recognize forced prostitutes. She says it wasn't possible and force and voluntariness lie so close to each other. A long time later she revealed on a forum that she was forced by him all along!!

Prostitutes are known to lay smoke screens around them.

I recognize what you say about watching porn. It's not the sex. It's the excitement of doing something naughty, something forbidden, to cross internal boundaries. That's why porn is often so vile. Because boundaries should be crossed. Like fucking a girl in her ass and then in her mouth. Or fucking a girl in her ass and then immediately after that (without cleaning), fucking another girl in her pussy. It's dangerous to put an unwashed dick after anal sex into a pussy, she could get a dangerous infection. It's strange. But pornography is about crossing boundaries and that's why you see these things in pornography.

It is difficult for me to imagine to have sex with a person I love, because sex for me is all about doing vile things!

Hannes said...

That’s very interesting. It seems that many prostitutes live in denial. Many drug addicts, alcoholists and people with food problems live in denial as well, and I think that strong denial can be a sign that the problem is even worse than one might first believe. It’s difficult, because it seems to be a part of the human nature to always justify your own actions, regardless of how bad they are towards yourself or others. So obviously, interviews can only give limited answers, although I still find it very interesting.

You’re right that pornography is often about crossing boundaries, and sometimes becomes more of a freakshow, with the more extreme the better. But that’s not what real sex is about, and I think that’s very important to remember.

I really think extreme sex and crossing boundaries is a result of sexual frustration, not sexuality in general. Because the pornography industry is often aimed at the sexually frustrated, that’s why they keep pushing the limits. I was a virgin until I was 23, and I was much more into extreme categories until I started meeting real girls, although I stopped myself from going into the most extreme categories because I realised that it would just be self-destructive. Now that I’ve started to get some real life experience, I’m more into ordinary clips with pretty girls. And I’m starting to get really annoyed of all the video clips where you can clearly see that the women are not enjoying themselves. How often do you see girls having an orgasm in these clips? Very seldom.

The point is that pornography and real sex are two very different things. Many professional pornstars can handle extreme acts, such as anal sex, group sex, deep throat etc. and look like they’re enjoying themselves. But doing those things in real life is a completely different thing. Your partner might not enjoy it, and you’ll probably not even enjoy most of it yourself.

Real sex is not about pushing the limits but about building strong mutual passion and attraction. Passion is often built by meeting a new girl, flirting with her, getting a positive response and building expectations. If you have a strong attraction, even the most simple sex can be a magic experience. But if you lack the passion, no extreme acts in the world can make it enjoyable. I think many men (including myself) often forget this basic fact, believing that all sex is good sex, the quicker the better and the more extreme the better. But then they are surprised that this is not the case. I think the social norms about male sexuality are really harming us here, because they’re misguiding us, giving us false beliefs of what we really need.

It’s true that real sex includes activities that might look rough or even vile. But real sex is not about making your partner feel bad but about making her feel good! It’s about finding such activities that both of you enjoy the most. That’s when you get the most out of the experience. The more the woman enjoys herself, the more the man will enjoy himself, because her body will react to give him more pleasure. That is the law of nature. To me, there’s nothing as enjoyable as causing a woman to have an orgasm.

Of course, some women might like spanking, dirty talking or anal sex. But it’s all about understanding your partner and finding the perfect balance. Obviously, most women don’t get excited by feeling threatened or by feeling pain, but they do love to feel secure. Women often get the most excited when having sex with someone they trust. Of course, there are some exceptions of women who like putting themselves in danger, but those are a minority, and are often the result of self-destructive behavior in general rather than a sexual preference, a behavior that can be seen in many men as well who often end up in fights etc. I’m sure that even those women would prefer a relationship with someone they can trust rather than someone they’re afraid of.

Donkey said...

I think sex could be fun and non-abusive. But it would be like kissing and cuddling. But you can do that without penetration and stroking or stimulating genitals. Just kissing, cuddling and stroking is no sex.

I think women mainly like the kissing and cuddling in having sex. Their testosterone levels are too low to have any sexual feelings at all. Some men have the same testosterone levels as women have and they often have no sexual desires. That's why you see that no big sex industry has been built around women. Hardly any prostitution or pornography for them. They are simply not interested. When a woman sees a naked man she doesn't get excited at all. When a woman's vagina starts to lubricate it is merely a physical response to prevent the injury by penetration.

Unfortunately I haven't got the capabilities of courting women. Otherwise I could experiment with it. See what happens when I refuse to penetrate them or refuse oral sex. I think that women will insist on it because they think it is normal in sex. But not because they like it.

You know, I don't even have a clue how to properly talk with people in general, let alone women. Often I don't even listen when people want to tell me something. Really embarrassing.

Hannes said...

I'm surprised to hear that! You seem like a really social competent person, with a strong conscience and sense of empathy. I think you're being too hard on yourself if you say you don't know how to talk to people in general. Maybe you're just unused to it?

I know the feeling of a "blackout" when talking to a beautiful lady, but it can definitely be overcome with practice. My social life goes up and down depending on how much time I spend on it. When I meet friends a lot, I have a much easier time to talk to strangers, while when I’m at home alone for longer periods, I tend to become quite asocial.

But I don’t agree with you on female sexuality. I can tell from experience that women do have a lot of sexual feelings, and they can experience great sexual pleasure. Although men in general likely have a more urgent sexual need than women, women have sexual needs as well. But their sexuality is different from ours. They're not nearly as focused on visual attraction as we are, but more on touch and smell. Their sexuality also seem to depend more on emotions and trust, and they’re generally less eager to have sex with strangers than men are. They also usually don’t show their sexuality in public, like some men do. These differences are likely the reason why there's no large industry for visual pornography or prostitution for women, but a big one for sex toys and erotic literature aimed at women.

It’s definitely a myth that women don’t enjoy stimulation of their genitals, and most women can reach an orgasm, sometimes multiple orgasms, if their clitoris is stimulated correctly. Women also seem to have a very strong urge for penetration after they’ve reached an orgasm. In general, their orgasm doesn’t lead to less arousement as it does with men, but more! I know that many women fantasize about penetration and have a fascination for penises, so penetration is a strong part of their sexuality.

Female sexuality is beautiful and should be encouraged. Unfortunately, it’s not very apparent in pornography or prostitution because of all the acting.

Donkey said...

Thank you for the beautiful words Hannes. You are a very kind person.