Sunday, April 11, 2010

Vulnerable women


My thoughts are still full of the relationships between men and women. There's so much to discover. Now another sad fact (on top of the fact that the testosterone levels of women are shockingly low):
According to a study on 3159 men and women in the United states in 1992 (among who 1749 women) many women have no sexual feelings. This is the report:
Sexual Dysfunction in the United States ― Prevalence and Predictors by Edward O. Laumann, PhD; Anthony Paik, MA; Raymond C. Rosen, PhD JAMA. 1999;281:537-544.
Here's the free text

The story goes like this, according to table 1, 27% of the young women aged 18-29 do not feel sexual pleasure, 21% feel pain during sex and 32% have a lacked interest in sex. The numbers are lower for the older age groups however, but not that much. And the same is also true for some men (about 10 percent who have no sexual feelings).

So, if you assume that these numbers are more or less true for young women in general around the world (and also for the older), that would basically mean that, say, you meet a lovely woman and start a relationship with her there is a probability of around one in four that she doesn’t enjoy sex with you and that she even feels pain during sex. And probably, she wouldn’t even tell you that.

That reconfirms my conclusion that I made a mistake assuming that paid sex is somehow different from non-paid sex. So as a man, you should be as afraid that you’ll hurt a person when having non-paid sex as when you’ll pay for it. As a man, you are totally oblivious to what your girlfriend or wife truly feels, she absolutely hides all her true feelings from you.

So, when I conclude that it would be better for men not to visit prostitutes because there’s a good chance you’ll hurt a person, the same thing goes for sex in general. Perhaps that I romanticized non-paid sex too much. I wonder when regarding sexuality in general, there’s something totally wrong.

So again, if prostitution is bad, all sex is bad and it would be better for men not to have sex. Or if sex is okay and it’s okay to hurt somebody’s feelings than it is also okay to visit a prostitute. All the same. What is the right option?

If I want to desperately search for a difference between paid and non-paid sex, there is one. In a relationship you can choose not to have sex, to make it a sexless relationship, Platonic. In prostitution there’s no such option, you always ignore the feelings of another person by definition. In prostitution there’s only one option, never visit prostitutes if you don’t want to hurt feelings. In a relationship you could opt to have a Platonic relationship. The only consequence now is that it is also impossible to have one-night stands, because the risk to hurt someone’s feelings is now too big too.

I think that’s what the problem is all about, women don’t dare to communicate their true feelings about sexuality to men, they are so afraid that they are going to be thought of as prudes. It might be silly, but perhaps it is really not such a bad idea for a man to look his lover in the eyes and ask her if she truly likes to have sex and if she doesn’t feel pain in any way, so that he can take that into account and even opt not to have sex at all. Perhaps that some women laugh at loud though, but that would be a good sacrifice to make. Perhaps instead there could still be the cuddling and the kissing and all that sort of stuff. No sex doesn’t necessarily mean no intimacy.

I'll quote from the article UNLV academics look into Nevada’s brothel industry (Las Vegas Weekly, by Abigail Goldman, March 31, 2010). Barbara Brents says that: “We wanted to challenge the idea that there's a hard and fast line between public and private, because if you turn around and look, we're blurring that line all the time, on all sorts of things. We know that waiter doesn't really care about us, but we're willing to suspend that knowledge for an enjoyable time. We know adventure-tour guides are selling us the idea we're adventurers. There are more opportunities for people to buy experiences, and we've come to accept some measure of inauthenticity. People who purchase sex think of it the same way — customers will tell you, 'I know she's not marrying me, but she really likes me for the time I'm willing to pay.'”

I don’t agree with that, I don’t think it is okay to hurt feelings just for your own pleasure. So that’s what prostitution is: to ignore the feelings of other persons, and you use them only for your owns needs, ignoring their pain.

In the article How porn is wrecking relationships (The Sydney Morning Herald, May 26 2007) Nadine, a 30-year-old accountant, who observed her boyfriend, a 33-year-old lawyer, graduate to harder and harder porn sites over years, says: "He loves anal and I hate it. He knows that I do but he still insists on it. I dread it and honestly, I close my eyes and pray that he hurries up and gets it over with it."

And that’s how prostitution is, the woman consents, but in her mind she prays that he hurries up. Just like what Kathleen Barry says: the prostitution of sexuality. Barry’s afraid that through the influence of the sex industry all sex becomes like prostitution. That’s what her fear is: that normal sex is for men to ignore the pain the women feel, just like in prostitution.

After all this, you could ask the question if I’m not infantilizing women, where women are the absolute victims of the brutal pornographic men who perform all kinds of sadistic sexual experiments on them. That might be one reality. On the other hand, women have the full power to choose a man, that’s the power that women have over men. Men have the power of sexuality, women don’t have sexual feelings as powerful as men have them, they can never feel how it is to be truly horny. But women have the power to choose the beast that’s going to torture them.

I like to end with a saying:

What's the difference between rape and normal sex?
In the first case the woman resists.
In the second case she simply has given up fighting.
There's no more hope.

(That was a very silly thing to say, but I am very cynical, and very angry that I can't get girlfriend)


Mike said...

A partner not enjoying sex may not mean that you are actually hurting
them, they may be indifferent or bored or whatever,or accept it for
other parts of the relationship.
Also if 25 or 30% don't enjoy then
then the other 75% do! glass half empty or full :)

Donkey said...

Yes, I know. But you have to think along the line the way I think.

So, my problem with visiting prostitutes was that you don't know which ones are the voluntary ones and which ones the forced. You obviously want to avoid the forced ones.

I have no experience with having non-paid sex. I assumed that you always know for sure that the woman whom you have sex with does do it voluntarily, or else she wouldn't have sex with you.

Now I realise that this is not true. Actually, many women simply see it as their duty to have sex with a man. They are in love with him and they know that sex is very important for men. So they could have sex with a man while they absolutely don't feel like it, and even suffer pain. While at the same time she makes the impression towards the man that she absolutely enjoys it! Same as with prostitution.

So, in a way, there's no difference between prostitution and non-paid sex. I a way you could rape too in non-paid sex without being aware of it.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. If I was asked in a survey if I feel pain during sex with my husband, I would say "yes" (assuming there is no option to detail when and how pain is felt). Thing is, pain is sometimes felt at the beginning, it either goes away and turns into pleasure, or, when it does not, in a healthy relationship you would ask your partner to stop. From conversations with girlfriends when I was younger, many women feel this initial pain. It does not mean they do not enjoy sex. A sensitive partner, of course, can minimize such feelings. There is the main difference to paid sex - the client will most likely not care one bit to have the prostitute enjoy sex with him, which in a respectful relationship should be considered granted. So - I do not think pain during sex is the tragedy itself (it can happen, but will have to be treated with sensitivity), insensitive men and men pushing and blackmailing women to practices they do not like or that are even painful to them (like the accountant's boyfriend) is the problem. And -of course - for prostitutes every intercourse most likely involved pain or at least discomfort. Which, you are very right in pointing out, should have clients think if they really want to experience sexual pleasure by hurting or discomforting a human being. If they're the tiniest bit human and compassionate, that is.

Donkey said...

You are SOOOO right!!! I absolutely forgot what I said a few years ago!!!

Visiting a prostitute is not necessary for survival. Plus: there is a good chance that you directly or indirectly hurt a person if you visit a prostitute (except for a few exceptions).

So: don't visit prostitutes!!!

I can't be more simple!

Thanks for reminding me.